To The Heart-Broken Christian
You thought you would be with them
forever. Whenever you imagined the future, it was always you and them, hand in
hand, doing whatever it is that God had called you to. You believed that
whatever it was He had called you to, He had called you to it together. You
liked them a lot… Maybe you even loved them.
But then came the text… “We need
to talk”. This lead to plans for a meetup, maybe at your local coffee shop,
maybe at the closest bookstore, maybe even at one of your respective houses.
You pull up to the spot, heart pounding, mind racing, sure in your heart of
what is to come yet trying your hardest to deny it.
Maybe
they just miss me and want to hang out, you tell yourself. Maybe
they only want to examine the relationship; not necessarily end it.
You walk in and look around,
inwardly frantic but outwardly calm (or so you think.) You see them and make
your way over, wanting to hurry and get it over with but also desiring to delay
the inevitable. But the inevitable comes as it always does, and the words you
thought you’d never hear come out of the mouth that once expressed such strong
feelings for you- “It’s over.”
There may be some pleasantries,
some well-wishes, but it all goes over your head. You feel numb as you bid them
farewell and head to your car. You unlock the door, get inside and then it
actually hits you for the first time. The floodgates break down and the tears
come. Devastation begins to creep into your heart. Then, whether it be at this
point or later down the road, perhaps in the depths and darkness of one of the
tear-filled nights that follow, the question sneaks in; why wasn’t I good
enough? What’s wrong with me?
Perhaps this is a recent scene for
you. Perhaps it happened awhile back, and your heart is still broken over it.
Truth is, breakups are hard. There’s no getting around it. We were made as
relational beings; God created us to be in relationship with Him and to be in
relationship with one another. Therefore, very often a broken relationship (whether
it be in dating, marriage, or even just friendship) leads to a broken heart.
Logically then, it follows that the more important the relationship, the harder
it is to deal with the relationship ending- or changing, at the very least.
My hope therefore, is not to try to
talk down your sorrow or convince you that this isn’t a big deal, but instead
to try and help you see the sovereignty and goodness of God in your heartbreak;
not to try to pretend the pain isn’t there or tell you that you shouldn’t be
feeling it, but to show you how God will use the pain to sanctify you and
continue to make you into the man or woman that He is calling you to be.
The Eternal Weight of Glory
The apostle Paul was a man who
knew heartbreak- in every sense of the word. He was beaten on multiple
occasions (2 Corinthians 11:25); imprisoned on many others (Acts 21:26-36,
Ephesians 6:20, Philippians 1:13). He was shipwrecked (Acts 27:39-44). He faced
need and hunger (Philippians 4:12). He was once stoned and left for dead (Acts
14:19). Near the end of his life, he writes
of how almost all those that he had ministered with and to had either abandoned
him or had left to minister elsewhere as he was imprisoned and close to death-
only Luke remained by his side (2 Timothy 4:10-11). Of all people, he had the
right to be “down in the dumps.” He had good reason to not be okay.
Yet what did he have to say in
facing the trials that he faced? That this “light momentary affliction is
preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.” (2
Corinthians 4:17-18) Think
about that for a moment... There are two rather comforting and encouraging
ideas to notice here. One of them is almost hidden in the wording. “This light
and momentary affliction is preparing
for us an eternal weight of glory
beyond all comparison” (emphasis mine.) The Holy Spirit through Paul is helping
us to understand that God is not surprised by our sufferings- He is not taken
aback when we meet trials. He does not merely react to the problems we face. Instead, we see that the hand of
God is in even our trials. That though the sufferings we face may hurt and can
even seem like they take us further away from God, it is they, in many cases,
that God has ordained in order that He might bring you to far greater things.
The suffering we face does not hinder God’s plans for us, but instead serve to
prepare for us that which God is calling us to.
The second encouragement that we
can draw from this is that he is not comparing
facing persecution and suffering with the eternal weight of glory that is
spending all of eternity with Christ Jesus- no, no. He is saying it is not even
worth comparing! He is saying that
trying to think about the glory that is to come and the various trials we face
on this earth is like thinking about a bowl of dirt and worms and a filet
mignon (or a perfectly blended kale smoothie, for the vegans)- how can such
things even be compared? Indeed, they cannot.
Okay, but that’s the apostle Paul.
He saw Jesus with his own eyes. I mean, come on- God used him to write
two-thirds of the New Testament! Sure, that’s true enough, but the reason he
gives for his contentment and ability to face the unthinkable is not one which
is dependent upon him and his status. It is not a transient reason, meant only
for those who walked physically with Christ. He says of finding contentment and
strength and hardships, “I know how to be brought low, and I know how to
abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing
plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who
strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:12-13) Verse 13 is one of those verses that is
frequently plastered on anything Christian companies can get their hands on-
mugs, t-shirts, pictures, dog collars (okay, I haven’t actually seen that one.
But I bet it exists.) And who could blame them? It’s an incredible verse.
However, we must be careful not to take it out of its proper context. Once
again, let’s look to verse 12- “I know how to be brought low, and I know how to
abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.” God
through Paul is showing us a secret here, to which verses 12 and 13 are the key.
“Well, with all those dogs walking
around with it on their collars, it’s not much of a secret is it?”
Well it shouldn’t be… But how
often do we face trials and heartbreak and fall into a deep depression? How
often are we taken “out of commission” so to speak- unable to do much of
anything for days on end trying to deal with the difficulties that come our
way? I would argue that though most every Christian knows verse 13, they forget
about it when they face verse 12. It’s easy to say that you can do all things
through Christ who strengthens you when you are accepting an exciting yet still
challenging new job. It is an easy proclamation to make when you are entering
into a relationship, knowing of course that every relationship takes work. But
how easy is it to say the same when we are laid off? Or dumped? Yet these are
the times for which the strength of Christ is applicable. In fact, it is even
in these times that the strength of Christ is in the most abundance. Never
forget that the context of doing all things in the strength of Christ is not
only abounding but also being brought low, being hungry, and being in need.
It is in Christ that Paul rested
his hope, his contentment, his joy. Notice where Paul found his strength- not
in hopes that “things will get better” or that God had “better things for him.”
What was his sustenance in facing heartbreak and trial? Resting in the strength
of Christ in his weaknesses. Realizing that his life was not his own, but that all that he did was for the Glory of God in
Christ Jesus. Paul’s vision extended beyond the suffering of this life- not
just to what was beyond the suffering, but to what was beyond this life itself.
It extended beyond himself and his own feelings and desires. He had his eyes,
his mind, his heart-the fullness of who he was-fixed on Christ.
Brothers and sisters, I pray that
God opens your eyes and hearts to see the eternal greatness of the glory of
Christ Jesus- that which you have been born to know and to display. When we
turn our eyes upon Jesus it is amazing to see, as the old hymn says, how the
things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.
Seek First
Many people have very good reasons
why they want to be in a relationship. They believe that God has called them to
a job where they would be better suited married (or that they could only do
married.) They have a strong passion for children and believe God is calling
them to be a parent. Or perhaps they even just feel that God has not made them
to be alone; indeed, although the Apostle Paul was a life-long bachelor, he
concedes that not everyone has been given this gift (1 Corinthians 7:7.)
However, we cannot forget that our true calling is far more important than what
we do. It’s who we are.
Now, don’t get me wrong here... I
believe that Scripture makes very clear that God knows us intimately and fully.
He sees not only all that we have done and all that we are doing, but also all
that we will do in times to come. In fact, He is the one who orders our steps
(Psalm 37:23). I believe that God does indeed have plans for each and every one
of His children and that desiring to honor God with our lives by seeking out
those plans is not a bad thing to do. Unfortunately, I also believe that many
have fooled themselves into thinking that they are not really “walking in the
will of God” until they find “the right job” or “the right mate.” We equate the
call of God in our lives with the plans of God in our lives. This is a misunderstanding
that I believe brings great anxiety and stress upon many believers today.
However, when I look to scripture
on the issue of God’s call (or will) for our lives, I find something that is
rather comforting. All things- whether it be employment, marriage, friendships-
exist for one purpose; to glorify Christ. The things we do and people we do
them with are not ends unto themselves. Look, for example, once again at the
apostle Paul. He was a tent-maker by trade (Acts 18:3). But never once in his
letters does he appeal to the recipients as a tent-maker. No, he views himself
not as his trade but as “a servant of Christ… set apart for the Gospel of God”
(Romans 1:1). He appeals to them as “an apostle of Jesus Christ by the will of
God” (Colossians 1:1). As a “servant of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:1).
Not so important to Paul was what
he was doing as who he was in Christ Jesus; all else flowed from that. Indeed,
if you do a little research on Scriptures about the will of God in the lives of
believers, you will that you come across not a guide on how to find the career
God is “calling you to” or how to find your wife or husband. You will find how
God’s will for us is that we be sanctified (1 Thessalonians 4:3), that we
rejoice in any situation we find
ourselves in (1 Thessalonians 5:18), that we live honorably among all (1 Peter
2:12-15), that we be saved and come to all knowledge of the truth (1 Timothy
2:4). How are these things possible? In and through Christ alone. It is only by
the Spirit’s work within us that we are sanctified. And how does the Spirit
come to dwell within us? By our believing in Jesus. How can we rejoice in not
only the good times but also the awful? As we’ve seen earlier, only by keeping
Christ ever before us.
Throughout scripture there are
commands to honor and respect those in authority above you. There are commands
to love and cherish your wife and to honor and submit to your husband. But are
these things an end unto themselves? Do we work hard and respect our bosses
that we might be promoted and thrive and be viewed as honorable men and women
within our job? Do we love and respect our spouse so that we might find more
fulfilment in our marriages? In one sense, yes to both. However, these things
are not ends unto themselves. We desire to thrive in our jobs and be honorable
people that we might get the opportunity to share Christ with those we work
with. We love and honor our spouses to know deeper the love Christ has for His
bride and to show the world that love as we come to know it more and more
ourselves.
Therefore the pressure we place on
ourselves regarding “finding the will of God” in our lives is put on us not by
God and His holy Scriptures, but instead by ourselves and the culture we live
in. Wherever you are, whoever you are with, whatever you are doing- the will of
God is that you grow in knowledge of Christ, that you show Christ and His love
to all those around you, that you remain in a state of thanksgiving and
exaltation of God, and that you be sanctified (which is not our work alone
anyway- it is the Spirit of God at work within us that is conforming us to the
image of the Son as we trust Him in faith.)
For those who are in Christ, God
has called to become His children and heirs with Christ. He has called us to be
conformed to the image of His Son. Once we begin to realize the glorious weight
of these things, we begin to see that the thing of upmost importance to God is
not what we are doing or who we marry, but that in anything we do, we do it to glorify
Christ, which is what all things are
made for. As we seek Jesus and who He is, who we are (and what we do) will
begin to flow naturally from this.
I realize that these things,
though, are easier said than done. How do we center our hearts on Christ? How
do we remember not to let the things we do for Christ not distract us from
Christ Himself? I’m glad you asked.
One very important thing to
remember is what we are seeking. It is
natural after a breakup, for instance, to get very sick very quick of being
single and to seek out a relationship. This is certainly understandable. Where
you once ended every night on the phone with your beloved, you now end it
alone, in tears. Where you once looked forward to work or the church service or
wherever else you knew you would get to see them, dread now grows in your heart
as the time draws near, knowing that seeing them again will bring all the
feelings rushing back. Loneliness bears down on you, crushing you. Therefore,
it is natural to want to end that loneliness and rush right into another
relationship. Or perhaps it is not even the loneliness that is killing you (or
at least not the loneliness by itself). Perhaps it is the reasons discussed
above that come back into mind. You really thought this person was the one- the
one that you were called to serve and be with. You need someone to move into the next thing you believe God is calling you
to. And so the pressure comes on to either get back with them or to find the
next “one.” But I ask you to wait for a moment and consider the words of Jesus.
He tells us to “seek first the
kingdom of God and all these things will be added to you.” These words were
spoken during the famed Sermon on the Mount to a large group of people. At this
point in the sermon, Jesus is talking about the anxiety with which so many
people struggle to obtain food, drink and clothing. He tells them not to worry
about it. I don’t know about you, but food, drink, and not being naked are all
pretty important to me. If I didn’t know when the next meal was coming, and my
clothes were all one particularly violent sneeze away from unravelling I’d be a
tad bit anxious. Is Jesus, then, telling us that we ought not cook anymore,
that we ought not shop for clothing, that we should expect God to hand-feed and
dress us? I think not. The statement Jesus is making here is not about avoiding
obtaining food, drink, clothing or anything else we may need (or think we need)
to survive. He is saying not to be anxious and make our very lives center
around obtaining these things. He is saying not to seek these things out with
all our hearts. Instead we are to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.
Well, what does that mean?
Once again, great question.
The kingdom of God is in a way forthcoming
(Matthew 6:10) and in another way already here (Luke 17:21). It is here in the
sense that Christ has come and has finished His work on the cross, establishing
himself as King of His people, ever-present among them. However, the fullness
of the kingdom will not be ushered in until the day Jesus returns to fully
bring all things into submission to Him. However, the important thing to
realize is that it is through Jesus alone that the kingdom of God is ushered
in. He is the centerpiece of it all.
The righteousness of God can only
be found and achieved in one person- Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21.) Without
Him, all our efforts and attempts at seeking righteousness are worthless (Isaiah
64:6, Romans 3:10, Philippians 3:3-8).
Therefore, in short, seeking the
kingdom of God and His righteousness is seeking Jesus Christ, in whom all the
fullness of God has been pleased to dwell. When Jesus tells us to seek the
kingdom of God and His righteousness, He is telling us to seek Him, in whom
both of these things are found.
Stop running after the things of
this world. Don’t get so caught up in trying to “find God’s plan for your life”
that you have no joy and lose sight of what He has called you to above all
else- glorifying Him and enjoying Him forever. How can you do that? Read and
study Scripture, relying on the Holy Spirit to open your eyes and heart to
growing in grace and in the knowledge of our great and glorious Savior. Care
for those who are hurt and broken, those who are alone and destitute, showing
them the love of Christ. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. Serve your
brothers and sisters in Christ.
As we seek Christ, He has promised
an incredible thing- all those things that we used to worry about before, all
the things we need, He will add to us. A common theme of the words of Jesus
returns- lose your life and you shall gain it. Stop trying to find out “who you
are” and look to who Christ is and you shall find your true self in Him. Stop
being anxious in trying to figure out God’s plans for your life- seek Jesus and
He shall guide you in the plans that He does indeed have.
Do not let your desires or
perceived needs cause you to rush into another relationship. Don’t be anxious,
thinking that your whole life hinges on your ability to find a mate. Don’t make
relationships the center of your life. You may say “Well, I need to be married
in order to…” or “God just didn’t make me to be alone, man.” Here’s the fact of
the matter; you and every other conceivable thing in existence were made to
glorify Christ and enjoy Him forever. Put that in the forefront of your vision,
not getting into a relationship or finding your job, or anything else. Seek
Jesus, seek to know Him and grow in Your knowledge of Him. Heed those things
which He has commanded of us- caring for the lost and hurting and broken,
feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, helping the homeless. Seek first the
Kingdom of God and His righteousness- Jesus- and all these things will be added
to you.
It’s Not All About You
I think it is safe to say that
most people view themselves as “the heroes of their own stories”; the good
guys. Therefore, it is natural to our flesh to think only of what our trials
mean for ourselves. We face something like heartbreak and question how God
could let this happen- or even how He could possibly use this to our good.
However, in focusing on these things in and of themselves we are often being
counterproductive in our endeavors, as odd as that might seem. We get so
wrapped up in ourselves and trying to see what quality or flaw within ourselves
may have caused the other person to fall out of love with us that we forget to
look towards Christ, who should be our identity.
This same mindset even applies
when we try to look to God’s Word to help us in our time of need. We treat the
Bible as a mirror, looking in it to see what we can learn of ourselves, not in
order that we might grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
We have it all backwards- we think that if we search for ourselves or for all
the solutions to our problems in Christ, we will be able to grow in maturity
and become more like Him. However, the opposite is true. Only in searching for
Him and desiring to know Him more can we truly find who we are. C.S. Lewis puts
this beautifully when he says,
“Your real, new self (which is Christ's and
also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are
looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Does that sound
strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters. Even in
social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you
stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. Even in literature
and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original whereas if
you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been
told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever
having noticed it. The principle runs through all life from top to bottom; Give
up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save
it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favorite wishes every day and
death of your whole body in the end submit with every fiber of your being, and
you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given
away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised
from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only
hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you
will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.”
As we’ve seen earlier, as we begin
to seek to know the greatness of Jesus, we begin to care less and less about
ourselves. As we make Him greater and greater, we become less and less. And we
become okay with that. Not only that, but we may come to the realization that
not everything that happens to us is about us. Perhaps this breakup is what
God is using to sanctify and grow the other person.
Don’t misunderstand me here- God will use all things in your life for
your good (which, ultimately, is His glory), including the breakup you may be
facing (Romans 8:28). However, don’t get so wrapped up in your sorrow that you
get tunnel vision and see only yourself. This leads to many dangers. For one,
as Christians, our lives are not our own. We belong to Jesus Christ, who bought
us with His blood. Therefore, we live not unto ourselves, but unto Him
(Galatians 2:20).
Another danger to only considering
yourself in your breakup is that you begin to decide for yourself what “God
using this for your good” looks like. You get the idea that maybe they need
some time apart but will be back to you, or that God just has a better person
lined up for you. While either of these things may be true, the point is that
when there is no obvious fruit or solution to the difficulty you have faced, or
when it doesn’t look like what you had hoped, you will begin to do doubt the
Word of God, therein questioning the foundation of all things pertaining to the
faith. You will think that God has failed you when really, it wasn’t even about
you from the beginning!
Though it may be difficult, try to
keep in perspective the bigger picture. Sometimes, for us that means accepting
that we can’t even see the bigger
picture, but that God most definitely does, and that whether or not we see the
good He is working out of the situation, it is happening because He is faithful. It may look a little
different than we might ordain, but remember that God is sovereign, He knows
all things, and He is good.
Conclusion
Facing tough situations like
breakups are not at all easy. Indeed, life itself is not easy. But through it
all, God is sovereign, and He is faithful to bring to completion the work He
has begun in your life. As you go through this trial, I pray that you will look
to Jesus and find comfort for your weary heart. Remember that you are never
alone- He is with you always.
Comments
Post a Comment